Is There Life After Retirement?

Like many of you, I have tried to shut out the most upsetting aspects of the current political climate and focus, instead, on what I can actually do to make a difference. Nevertheless, the “I am the best because …” tone has seeped into my conscious mind like the theme song of that Disney ride that – in don’t-say-it Beetlejuice fashion – I shall not name. (Oops, sorry, that didn’t work)

Anyway … I decided to just go with it for a bit, and determine my own platform. But first I had to determine what I want to rule. It started with the Universe, scaled down to the World but I finally settled on a more modest goal:

I want to be named Empress of The (notvery)United States. There are four main aspects to my platform. You may not agree with several of them, which is why I decided on becoming Empress, rather than a lesser role. I’ll just get to do them. No votes, simply “because I said so.” I’m a mom, I know how to do that.

My four absolute initiatives will be:

1. Eliminate pennies. To make this more palatable to my whiny subjects, I will call it the Save The Copper Mines Act.

2. Put an immediate halt to the semi-annual time change!!! wtf is that all about, today, in the 21st century??!! I lived half my life in a state that DID NOT DO THAT and we got along just fine. In a nod to one of my favorite funk rock bands of the 60s, let’s call it The Time Has Come Today Law.

3. Next, and this will be more controversial. But remember – I’m be Supreme Empress, so I’ll win. Allowing you fine folks a year to buy new rulers and WW scales, we will move to the Metric System. Oh, stop howling. It’s easier. We’ll put this under the heading of helping those less fortunate. All hail the new Metrics for the Math-Challenged Initiative.

4. And finally, the one that has the greatest significance for me, personally (and depending on the gender breakdown of the country, could actually win in an honest election, which I have no intention of offering) – an immediate edict stating that all women’s skirts, pants, shorts or dresses be made with two functional, useful pockets. This will be forever known as the A Place for my Phone Equality Decree.

Now all I have to do is wait for the position to be invented and awarded to me. Yeah, I know. This could take awhile.